Freddie's Codex
by TooPiAr
Summary: Freddie writes down his personal thoughts about his life. Some Seddie, lots of Creddie. Inspired by Altair's Codex in Assassin's Creed 2. Rated T to be safe.
1. Page 1

Disclaimer: iCarly is the property of Dan Schneider.

**A/N: This was inspired by Altair's codex from Assassin's Creed. **

Freddie's Codex.

Page 1

It's been three years now. Three long years since I openly declared my love for Carly Shay.

Three years of having my heart broken. I watch her as she gives her heart to somebody else. I watch in envy wishing that person she was with

was me. Watch as that person breaks her heart and I do my best to wipe away her tears. She would never give me a chance. My love for her will

not rebound. The thought of being in a relationship with her are best left to sleep. The chances of it happening are slim to none. But I can't find

myself letting go. I can never seem to give up. On the verge of finally raising the white flag in surrender, my feelings for her would grow stronger.

Despite the numerous times Sam had tried convincing me that Carly would never reciprocate my affections, I never seem to have the strength to

accept it. As much As I would try to divert my thoughts, it begins and ends with the same person, Carly Shay. What do you call such a person? A

coward?

Everyday my heart is torn out and crushed into pieces. But I act like it isn't. I have been pining over her for this long. I always remember a saying

"If you truly love someone, you will let them go." But that's the problem, I don't have the courage to let go. I'm afraid of how it would break me. It

might destroy me. I have to find an answer. I have to decide what to do. But my confusion anchors me to the ground. There's always one part of

me that says she likes me back. I cannot give up yet. Until I find the truth. If she will never truly love me, as much as it may hurt, I will give up.

**A/N: I'm sorry if it sucks. I'm always nervous when I write a new fanfic. **

**Please, R&R. Negative Criticism helps too. And just like Altair's Codex, I intent to make Freddie's codex 30 pages....or more.**


	2. Page 2

Disclaimer: iCarly ain't mine.

Freddie's Codex

POV: Obviously, Freddie's

Page 2

Allow me to shed more light about myself. My full name is Fredward Karl Benson. But everyone calls me Freddie. I live in the Bushwell Plaza in Seattle, Washington.

I live with a crazy, psychotic and over-protective mother who treats me like some baby. I am currently the technical producer of the hit webshow iCarly, which I do with my two best friends Carly shay and Sam Puckett.

In the past three years, I have always thought that Carly is my dream girl and that Sam is merely a thorn in my side.

Yeah. But that perspective is already changing. My relationship with Sam was always insubstantial.

We would consider ourselves as frienemies. Sam is a special person in my life. As much as I would say that I hate her, the truth is, I could not live without her.

My life would not be the same if she wasn't trying to make my life miserable all the time. Also, I shared my first kiss with Sam.

I think of it as very ironic. I thought I felt everything when our lips touched. Maybe it's just the first kiss effect. How could I know? I couldn't just kiss Sam again.

I feel torn between two people. The girl I've always wanted and a girl I think I'm starting to feel attracted to. It's a very confusing ordeal.

Something I can't go through alone. But there is no one who would understand me. Half of me wants Carly, but the other half wants Sam. I don't know. I can't decide.

**A/N: Page two of Freddie's codex. Please R&R. I want to know how I can improve.**


	3. Page 3

Disclaimer: You know what I'm going to say. So I won't bother.

Freddie's Codex

Page 3

All these guys that Carly dates. All of them. I've lost count on how many. But I can be sure that I'm not in that count. When I look at these guys, it's like I know what they intend. Like a strong intuition or a sixth sense. I can feel what they want with her and all of them are the same. They just want to get her to prove that they're players. And it all ends up the same. They dump her when they're bored and I'm the only one who could comfort her in these kinds of times. It's not just these guys but a lot of people. When I look at them, It's like I can tell what they're feeling, their intentions.

For Sam, when I look at her, I see her anger covering some other emotions. What could they be though? Admiration? Love? It seems I look at Carly, I can see mostly confusion. But what is she confused about? I look at her more and sense that she's confused about me. But why? Could it be possible that she likes me too? But is afraid to admit it? I'll have to investigate further.

This sixth sense freaks me out at times, sometimes I press it to my advantage, get ahead of my enemies. And now I feel uncertain. The two important people in my life. I feel confused about how I feel for them. Carly, in my eyes, has dropped from my dream girl to just a best friend. Sam, on the other hand, went up from enemy to friend.

What to make of this? I just wish I had help.


	4. Page 4

Disclaimer: iCarly? It's the show that's not mine

Freddie's Codex

Page 4

**[A/N: I want you to use your imagination and imagine that half of the page is filled with a hand-drawn picture of Carly]**

_ This is the girl of my dreams, Carly Shay. The truth is, I could never get over her. Not ever. Her smile is the like poison (but in a good way). _

_When I feel that I stand tall and I am ready to move on, one smile for her and I fall. She has this warm glow all around her that lifts my spirit. _

_When she touches me, it sends chills down my spine and I feel as though my knees would buckle and fail to support my weight. She's perfect in many _

_aspects. But the sad truth is that she can never be mine. She never gives me that chance I've been longing for these past few years. I keep counting_

_ till the day comes that she loves me back. It's been 5 years already. We're in college now. I had to pull a few strings to convince my mom to let me_

_ go to WSU. I was originally supposed to go to New York for my college years but I managed to persuade her otherwise. Anything I'll do for Carly. _

_Sometimes I dream that she gives me a chance and that we're happy as can be in each other's arms. But I feel that such dreams are best left to sleep._


	5. Page 5

**A/N: To be honest, I've forgotten that I had written this…I don't know what to call it. Drabble? I guess a few updates wouldn't hurt.**

Freddie's Codex

Page 5

Wow. I mean, wow. That was so, unexplainable. H head was resting on my shoulder. Slow, romantic music filled the air of the Groovy Smoothie with an unidentifiable aura. I can't stop asking myself: Am I only dreaming?

Her scent fills me. I have to make this moment last. I don't get another chance like this ever again. If only she can feel my heart beating. If only she knew everything that I felt for her. What hurts, though, is that no matter how much I try, I fail. Sam's nitpicking doesn't really help either.

Despite the constant pain, however, I am still determined. I'm scared of what can happen in the following days. It can be good, but it can also be bad. That's what love is, right? It's unpredictable. It's like a tempest whose actions you couldn't predict. You can never know what it would bring you.

Love is also a gamble. You play all your cards hoping to win. If you lose, you lose.

So in this gamble, I always throw my cards hoping to finally win the ultimate prize: Carly's heart. Well, I must suck at gambling. I always lose this game.


	6. Page 6

Freddie's Codex

Page 6

It hurts. My whole body aches. That could be a reason for me to have an unusual fear of tacos for the rest of my life. That truck hit me hard. I don't mind, though. Carly is safe. That is all that matters. Is this really how much I love her? Will I really kill myself to make sure she's all right? Of course I am!

Normally, a typical guy wouldn't do the same thing were he in my predicament. If he sees that the girl does nothing in return, he gives up. This isn't the case for me. But of course, the fact that Carly DID respond helped soothe my aching body.

She kissed me. Her lips were warm and soft. No fascination of mine could ever match the real thing. My imagination could never conjure such amazing sensation. It was the start.

She held onto me. Like a predator marking its catch. Girls try to swoon me. She kisses me in the hallway as though marking her territory. It's invigorating. She finally loves me. Or does she?

Sam does have a point. She might only like me for what I did and NOT for who I am. Despite her kissing me again and again, I had to end it. I had to save her from future pain.

What did I do? I gave up the greatest thing I've ever experienced. My life is a complete failure. It's the debacle of all debacles.

I will wait. I'm sure my time will come.

**A/N: Well, two pages in one night isn't that bad. I might continue updating this even more. **

**Suggestions? Reactions? Comments?**

**Please R&R? Thanks!**


	7. Page 7

**A/N: Well, it's been a while since I last updated any of my iCarly stories. I became too preoccupied with my business in the Assassin's Creed Fandom. Well, since I'm broaching the topic of AC, I decided to finally update "Freddie's Codex" again. I'm aiming to reach page 30 before the summer ends. Oh yeah, I'm also going to post a new iCarly fanfic, which is still somewhat based on Assassin's Creed. So, enjoy these next few updates. **

Freddie's Codex

Page 7

We're finally going to Webicon. We made it there without being kidnapped by a crazed, psychotic fan without being trapped in a soundproof box. Webicon was tiring, to say the least. The forum took an unexpected turn: shipping. The fans of iCarly have been pairing me with Sam (much to my disgust) and Carly. They're known as Seddie and Creddie fans, respectively. I can honestly say that I'm glad that many fans want Carly to date me so much. I'm encouraged to pursue Carly even more, in spite of it being an almost lost cause.

It's been a year since the Taco Truck thing. Nothing has happened. She has made it clear that she didn't want to date me again. A four letter name that was a clear, telltale sign that she was no longer interested in me: A-D-A-M.

Webicon was tiring, but it wasn't the activity itself that took its greatest toll on me, it was the road to Webicon. Eavesdropping is bad. Never listen in on video chats. Moreover, don't return captain's hats. Her words still haunt me. That simple dialogue shot daggers through my heart.

"Oh, God, no," she said, when she was asked whether we were dating. So that's what she thinks? She's repulsed by the idea? Hell, she even used our good Lord's name to prove her point! What's worse is that she has to bend over backwards just to impress a guy. A guy, mind you, who knows NOTHING about her, as opposed to me, the guy who knows her inside and out. Yes, I am sour graping. Yes, I am bitter. There's no point sugar-coating it. I don't blame her, though. She was merely calling a spade a spade. But I can never do anything. I just want her happiness, even if it will kill me again and again.

Perhaps my only comfort is that all around the world, thousands of fans are wishing for Carly to finally give me that time of day. We all know how it turns out in the end, however.

I have all the right reason and justification to give up this useless endeavor. It is quite certain that Carly will never love me. Stupid me, however, always gives her the benefit of the doubt, putting myself in jeopardy once again.


	8. Page 8

Freddie's Codex

Page 8

I cannot imagine whatever goes on through girls' heads right now. Are they so dazzled by looks that they fail to see a person for what they are? A classic example: Cort. In my book, he's a douche. We wanted to hire interns for iCarly, and those girls, with emphasis on Carly, wanted to hire him just because he looked good. What did that do? It killed my laptop, to state one reason.

Which leads me to another topic: A common denominator. Yes, I'm still bitter, I admit. Carly won't date me, but she would gladly date douches like Cort, simply because he looks good. Don't I look good? Aren't I worthy of any sort of affection from her? It's becoming confusing as each day passes. What do these idiots have that I do not? Moreover, what does she see in them?

Going back, I had to get revenge. I hired another intern, Ashley. It went according to plan. I admit, it was wrong of me to use Ashley like that. It was ungentlemanly. I will make up for that. But in the end, it allowed me to conduct a little experiment. The look on Carly's face was that of pure annoyance when I would "look upon" Ashley. What could have coaxed this reaction? At the end of the day, all was well. Both idiots (well, idiot and pretending to be an idiot) were gone; we were back to the way things were…in that aspect, at least.

That, however, creates much more room for speculation and formulating hypotheses. Can somebody remind me why I am doing all of this? I find it very weird and ludicrous, yet fulfilling. Maybe I'm going nuts. Perhaps I really am my mother's son.


	9. Page 9

Freddie's Codex

Page 9

Here's one thing I don't get: Carly Shay will insist on rejecting me and date some uncivilized loser, but when I attempt to move on and decide to try my luck with some other girl, she openly displays her disapproval and will end up, albeit inadvertently, ruining my chances of finally finding somebody who might make me happy. Does being friends with Carly have some sort of condition I know nothing of? Like a contract with very fine print? A contract which, might I add, was signed without knowing the full details of what I would be getting myself into?

As time slowly unravels, I'm inclined to believe that it may be the case. For instance, I did not really expect that I'd have to go through Sam Puckett's constant abuse in order to be close to Carly. Does she have some sort of contract that says, "Upon being friends with me, you agree to love only me and are forbidden from setting your sights on other girls while I go around dating nitwits, jerks, idiots and the like while putting you through what seems like incomparable heartache which I will remain oblivious to?" If any other guy were in my position, he'd probably say, "Go to hell! I don't need you! I have my own life!"

There are countless times when I have been tempted to do just that. I produce the show that gives her widespread popularity (in effect, the nitwits that she chooses to date) without any sort of thanks. I suffer constant abuse from a blond-headed reincarnation of Satan on a regular basis to be with her, yet she does little to defend me. I feel as though she takes me, my love for her, and the friendship I offer her for granted. I grow tired of waiting. The most logical course of action would be to cut ties and spare myself the incommensurable pain. Surely I will thrive if I go on my own. In the end, however, it's never the case. I find myself where I first stood. I find myself pining after her like an imbecile. Despite everything she's ever done to me, I still forgive her. It's all because I love her. When you love somebody, it's sometimes easier to forgive the person.

At times, however, it becomes harder to forgive somebody for the same reason. As to why I still put up with this constant pain, I don't have an explanation, only a justification.


End file.
